Feeling Bleh

and thinking about how I look to do something more exciting yet everytime I sit there and try to see if the benefits outway whatever I consider the costs... The only problem is by doing this I never do anything... I want to do something, get published, try to do something that I would normally look at and then put aside, and I'm trying to but I like things the way they are where I know I have some form of comfort, yet I always watch shows were the characters do whatever they can for their dreams and wish I could be like them, but I can't even do something like go study international business in Japan. And no it's not my life long dream to work in an international business but from my point of view now it would be better then spending my life pouring over documents making sure everything was prepared properly and the rules were followed... and currently I'm on the path to the second one. Ask any of my friends and they would tell I would love ro go to Japan, even if it means not following te original path I had planned, and at this point it doesn't matter cause I want to change this path and change my future, but really if I could do anything I would go back to what I've wanted for years, to be published, but because I know my chances are low I will stick along a safer path while working towards that. The only problem is not exactly knowning what that path should be anymore. But if anything I wantt to have changed something by this time next year, and not be sitting in my own room at home thinking that I really don't want to continue this way...

Another post where I was just going with my feelings so sorry if it's a little random and doesn't completely make sense... want clarification on anything just leave a comment

A little bit of a homework rant...

I know I should come on here more then to just pour out my stressful decisions and what not, but with school right now it seems like that is all I have. I'm currently working on an assignment due tomorrow at 4. I have class until 2, and I know I won't get up early enough before class to finish this so I must finish it now... And I don't want to worry about being pressed for time to finish the assignment by doing it after class... the other thing is that I have other things I must also do tomorrow, yay for the fact that it is not school stuff to be handed in and marked... I apologize for the really bad grammar in this post my brain is trying to stay econ focused while I quickly get this out. I'll try and post something positive over the weekend. Well for know I must try and finish this assignment, it's currently 1am, shall I make by 2am at the latest my goal? I'll edit this later and tell you all if I managed to make it :)

Random...

I'm don't know why I'm sharing this... it is just a random thought I had, something I would normally post on twitter... but whatever... I just realized that originally I was going to have the one character in the the book I"m writing Ryuu, but I changed the guy and his character slightly so I changed his name. Recently I have started to learn Japanese by self study, the part I found funny cause he was to be a guy claiming to be an international student. Well in Japanese gakusei means student, and ryuugakusei means international student. Upon realizing that I started to laugh... like the title says this is completely random, but something I found randomly hilarious :P

Writing

I'm currently working on my story again, but I can't seem to find a distraction for me. Somehow I always work better if I have the tv playing in the background or something, even if I also have my headphones in playing music. But here I am currently sitting in a dark room with my laptop and no distractions. I would turn on my other computer and put a movie playing on it but I'm missing a cord... and you would think I could remember where I placed it lol...

Apparently I get a little hyper when I'm bored but it doesn't really matter cause my one friend is getting most of the random thoughts coming to my head, like the fact that Ninja Assassin the movie is sitting next to me.

I've recently rediscovered my love for WaT (Wentz and Teppei), as well as their solo works. I must say their stuff is amazing and if you've never heard any of it, to go search it out and listen (they are a Japanese duo).

I must say I went on youtube and distracted myself for a while and therefore my hyperness has gone away, and hopefully soon I'll bring myself back to my writing and finish off the chapter.

Have fun with whatever you plan on doing after reading this post.

School

This time I mean this year, not the worries about next.

I was really worried about this year since I don't really talk to anyone that I didn't go to high school, and even then I still don't talk to people I went to high school with. The thing I realized is that even though people attend school and know others there it doens't guarentee that they're going to end up in classes with people they know, or the chance to sit with those they do. Today I ended up helping the guy next to me in the lab even though I didn't and still don't even know who he is. Although I know common courtesy is to introduce yourself to someone when you start talking part of school is learning to interact with those you never know and trying to get a comfortable feeling while doing so. Same goes with the girls I worked with last week. We teamed up and trusted each other even though we didn't know one another, and who knows, now that the class is moving to labs there is a chance neither of them will ever show up to a class again, but over all I'm learning to work with others, even when it isn't mandatory that I do so. Although I'm still uncomfortable I'm learning to step out a little at a time and work with others. Who knows maybe after this year I will move on to another school and out of my house, even out of country, but at least from this year I will have learnt that sometimes even the things that normally make me uncomfortable can be beaten. Even if it is because of some random person stuck beside me for one day that was a little clueless from time to time...

Maybe stepping out a little this year will let me remove that fear from the equation while I look ahead to my future.

Back to School

I've been back at school for two days now. Should consider myself lucky that one of my classes doesn't require an exam, midterm or final!!!! There is one test and ten assignments which should be fine. I have used the Simply Accounting program once before so I luck out with that, although last time was in grade eleven and because of the problems people were having with the program and therefore nothing was ever handed in to be checked as originally planned. That caused our Independent Study Unit (ISU) to be changed from using the program to completing a series of bank reconciliations...

Anyways, Thursdays will be long days since my first class starts at 11am and my last class ends at 10pm. Hopefully I will survive another year of learning, make a new friend or two, and finish the year able to move on to another program once I choose what I want to do and where it is possible for me to go...

Risk Taker

I'm not really one. I know I don't want to stay in the program I'm in because I get frustrated easily by the work. I can't stand seeing the fact that I'm wrong and can't correct it and I'm the type that if I know it's wrong I need to be able to fix it. Instead I think about staying in the business studies area, but I would rather not have to specialize. So I found a program, International Business Studies, seems interesting. I look for the program in Canada, no school here has what I want, the only university that has it is Schulich and there I would have to specialize if a miracle occured and I managed to get grades to go there (which is like impossible unless your a genius...) Instead I found an American in Japan (the same one I mentioned in the last entry).

My problem is that I'm not a major risk taker. The thought of going by myself to study in a foreign country (and not even thinking about the amount it would cost me...) makes me extremely nervous beyond nervous. And I keep asking myself if I want to go for the program because it sounds interesting and good to me or is it because I want to go to Japan and experience living there? If it is the second one, does it really make sense for me to spend so much to go study there instead of waiting until after I'm done school (and am working) and vacation there instead? The problem is my vision gets blurred and I can't seem to answer these questions myself because my nervous come up and go omg going away, foreign country, only coming home for summer, rarely seeing your family, being in a foreign country and I go back to trying to think about other things rather than worry...


I know this is so similar to my last post but lately is one of the only things on my mind and I would really love to hear what others think. Although it won't make the decision it may help clear my thoughts while thinking.

Becoming Nervous

I don't think I want to do accounting anymore. I was nervous about the idea of the co-op work term which makes sense. I was worried since the summer was coming to a close and I have yet to even get an interview for a placement. But at the same time it was a relief. I want to do something more interesting. I feel that if I continue with accounting I will find myself unwilling to try and leave the profession. I get easily frustrated with the work and during the biggest accounting project I had to do last year I survived it and did well, but there were times i was ready to breakdown cause it wasn't working for me and finally had to give in and tell myself it is school work i can go through it and search for mistakes later and finally just gave up. I can't do that in real life and I think if I continue to try so I will just find myself stressing over the work as it becomes more realistic as the project I had to do.

Now I'm looking into another program but outside of applied bachelors there is only one bachelor program in Canada and I won't be able to get into it, the other one I was looking at is an American school, Japanese campus, but basically unaffordable and will make me have to work hard so that I can go there since I would be living in a foreign country only able to come home during the summer break, not having much of a knowledge of the language, knowing no one there, and having to find a place to live in really scares me, but because I have such an interest in the country I feel like I would love it there. The going out on my own like that would help me grow up.

The questions is, at the end of the day, is it really worth it? and right now I don't know the answer.

The Road Ahead

I'm about to start my second year as a university student and already debating if accounting is what I want to spend the rest of my life with. I keep telling myself it's a stable and secure job, that I shouldn't worry about it and just go ahead. But should I really do it if I can't put my heart in to it? My friend even told me that although I'm good at it, and I don't mind it, she can't see me putting my heart into it. Even my mother said she wouldn't be surprised if I changed my degree to something else.

The problem is, what do I want to spend my life doing? Will I regret not chasing after my dreams?

Maybe discussing these things with my friend after 4am (maybe it was 3am...) and she is falling asleep isn't the brightest idea. But it's one of those things I worry about and just can't get out. The hardest part is knowing that my heart isn't in it, and that I could survive doing the work, I don't know if I would feel content doing it. My mind keeps telling me to be sensible, to stay where I am, but I don't even know if I will succeed. I'm currently in a position where if I can get a co-op it will become part of my school learning. If not I technically change programs and switch down (not like it's worse I just lose the chance at a real life experience) and it's not like it would change the classes I'm taking. It means I would be done earlier, and that's it. I would walk across the stage a receive my diploma one year earlier then I've planned to currently.

I mean it's not like I see myself following what has been suggested might be good paths for me (child care, chef (pastry to be exact), teacher) but something my interest and heart would be put into. So I won't be doing work because it can be mindless and easy to me.

To be a published author is a dream of mine. And I'm working towards that dream, even if I'm working a little slowly (I've been working on the same story for a while, but it is making the most progress of my stories so far...) really just to be published and know that there are people out in the world reading a story that I wrote... it's something I don't think I could ever fully explain.

Media is the other thing. I'm interested in the differences in the way music gets promoted here and in other places such as South Korea and Japan. I'd admire the time and effort idols there put into doing what they love. To be able to work to help them promote themselves and maybe help them show the American/Canadian markets what their level of dedication is would be amazing.

I think part of the problem is that I'm afraid to jump in head first and try to go for something I love instead of something practical. Would I be able to survive doing so? Would I be able to actually go overseas and work where I really want to. Can I really follow my ambitions and succeed? The more I think about all the unanswered questions the more worried I get. And I hate the feeling of being worried so I sink back into what I know what I can do and work in, even if it isn't everything to me. I know I need to discuss this with my mother someday but for as understanding as she would be, she may think I'm trying to reach a little far out without giving a little sensibility to my thoughts.

Really in the end it all comes back down to what do I want to do? The problem is though number of thoughts and other questions that go into answering just that one...

If you made it through my mess of thoughts that are most likely not in order please leave a comment. Other points of views are always appreciated.

Just over three years

I started this blog just over 3 years ago. I'm starting to wish I was updating more lately and feel badly that I don't. I hope to start blogging more once again. Sometimes the eastiest way to think things myself is to try and write them out. And right now I really need to write them out. I love being able to go to my friends for advice, but I reached a point where I need an outside point of view. One that doesn't include my family or friends (and I've already debated in my mind trying to talk to one teacher I think I can easily talk to and trust to give me an honest opinion even if I'm only someone he doesn't really know and only taught me once as an actual teacher [and not student teacher] and to my friends reading this you probably know who I'm talking about) That's why I've decided to write my next post, cause I can't think of anywhere else to turn. Expect here to my trusty blog where there is no bias based on who I fully am... where I can think things over as I state them, and then spell check cause for some reason whenever I'm on blogger I have a tendancy to accidently hit and start typing in another sentence...

For All KAT-TUN Fans

These are up coming projects to show KAT-TUN and Jin that we support them. Keep checking back to the link for the post on KAT-TUNworldwide for more updates on new projects. Link

Please check at Fan of the Music and the Drama for more updates, since the post on that blog will be updated more often.

Looking For Work

Finding a job in my city is a horrible task, and since I don't have my diver's licence I can't look any further than where I can go by bus. I have a few places I want to apply to right now. I have a friend who wants me to go with her to Tim Hortons (where my other friend works) tomorrow but I'm looking at that as the last place to apply, looking at handing in a application with my resume at a video place tomorrow and a couple clothing places later this week. Maybe the clothing places first, then the video place, cause the clothing places would be good since they have discounts and I need to start buying work clothing for later this year... Still wondering on how to say I don't want to go to my friend without saying it outright... I normally avoid these things so that there is no weirdness or anything, even one of my friends realized that I keep myself out of friends personal business so I don't know how working with friends would go...

Slightly Better

I've just managed to get past the part that I had to keep rewriting and I clearly made sure to save it this time. Plus the one file that I could find on this laptop was saved to my e-mail so when I reach the end the part where I can need it, I will be able to just attach it and don't have to worry about rewriting it. :)

Losing Files

Since one of my classes was cancelled today my 2 hour break turned into a 3.5 hour break. So I decided I would work on my writing. Just a couple days ago I realized two of the files I had loaded off my email seemed to be to short. I could tell there was something missing. So I asked my friend to send me what she had. I was right. I was missing about 22 or so pages off the files I had. Again today I wanted to open one file and its not on this computer again. I'm hoping that I had typed on my old one because then all I need to do is switch the computers its on, but if it's not I will have to rewrite it and I don't think it will end up as good as the first time, because I had the thoughts and feelings in me at the time, which I can't recreate the same way again. The part that I'm working on now I have also lost a couple times. The only problem is I'm only losing part of the file and it always seems to be the same part, and if I'm not mistaken I've rewritten and have lost it three times already. Normally I love writing but having to constantly rewrite the same part over and over again it does get annoying, especially when it isn't your favourite part to be writing over and over. Maybe a Christmas when I was still in the Christmas mood, but not in February when you know your rewriting it, because it doesn't want to stay one your computer.