Since school has started up again I have retreated back into my old self. The one who even if she has an opinion won't say it out loud. The one who thinks quietly how most the class is stupid at times due to the fact that they can't figure out a simple thing. I was hoping that being in my last year of school I could change myself a little bit. Become a little more bolder, and show who I really am. I'm not the quiet girl who has nothing to say. I just think to much, and want to be careful about what I say before I speak.
It is funny since back in elementary school I could speak with anyone and it wouldn't be weird. Now to hear me speak up in class with out being called upon is an amazing thing. I faded into the shadows of the world. I'm unnoticeable. I spent the last two years of grade school, smacking one guy in the back of the head every time he bothered me, and yet I haven't spoken to him once since we started high school.
Of course, I'm happy some people don't change to much. Cody hasn't changed much at all. Every time we have a class together, he manages to end up sitting near my and trying to bug the hell out of me. It's as if he hasn't matured since I first met him in grade 2. It's like grade eight, where the boys discover that you can create the idea that someone is cutting your hair with out changing it. Cody repeatedly did this to me. I had started to ignore it until he asked me 'what would happen if he cut my hair?'. I turned around to see him holding my hair in his hand. He had cut out a bunch. Luckily it wasn't noticeable at all.
Grade ten, he sat in front of me in science. I was helping the girl next to him with her work. I had finished mine and was having trouble explaining to her the work due to him kicking her. I told her to trade spots with me for the class so that she could finish her work. The first thing he says to me when I sit next to him, 'You wanted to sit next to me because you like me, right?'. I was able to laugh at it because no one sitting near by ever knew that I had liked him in grade school.
Then nearing exams last year we were both late for our classes, as in we were the only people standing in the hallway. He asks to borrow a pen. I didn't realize I had left it at home and started to search my pencil case. He stood at my locker, books in hand, waiting to see if I could find him something to write with. A teacher came by asking why we were still in the hallways. Of course the teacher happened to be teaching the physics class I was in at that time. Cody looked straight at him and said, with a straight face, 'I'm waiting for my girlfriend, she's kind of slow.'
It's weird to think that this one annoying person helps. I'm at a place where everything is changing majorly. Yet, this one guy hasn't changed for years. He is still immature and completely set out to bug me, yet he is proof that sometimes changing only slightly is good.
Another guy who hasn't changed is Arthur. I haven't known him as long as Cody, but he still hasn't changed. In grade seven a rumour went around saying that I liked him. I was being bugged about who the top three people that I liked were. I gave three random names, asked if they were in order and said yes. I had told all my friends that the guy I liked didn't go to our school, but no one believed me. I didn't have to deal with him in grade nine which made me happy, but in grade ten I ended up picking him as a partner in business. There was few left and he seemed like an okay choice. The biggest problem was that he was still beyond immature. Even now he has yet to grow up at all. Proof that some people need to change.
It doesn't really make sense to me. Someone staying the same is good, yet someone else its bad. I do understand a little bit but it really doesn't clarify anything.
Another person is the guy who joined the school community last year. We had two classes together first semester, three second, and were both in choir. Because of this we had started to talk to each other. Looking back it may have been better if I loosened my mask a little, rather than shaking my head and rolling my eyes when he said something that was slightly funny, I could have laughed.
Maybe I could have been a little more truthful when he encouraged me. After singing in choir there would be days when he told me I had a good voice, as well as once randomly in English after I read something. Maybe when he tried to figure out why I wouldn't try out for the play, that there was a chance I would get something. My answer was that I couldn't really act. He laughed and said neither could he, but that didn't stop him. The truth was more along the lines of fear of rejection. Every time I aimed for something that I looked forward to I would drop right back down to the bottom. Being told I was good, yet not making something meaning I wasn't good enough. That there is one trouble with school and that's teachers choose favourites.
Some people think that I don't stand out, I try to blend in with the crowd. I can't do either. When I'm with those I trust I'm fine and I am me, slightly crazy, completely klutzy, and ready to make a fool of myself. To think that I changed so fast over one summer. Went from being a girl who couldn't keep her mouth shut, to not being able to open it. I think to much about how others will respond.
The grade school I went to, my class was fine with everyone. You could talk to anyone with out thinking. The other grade schools in the area broke up, by the time they were in grade eight they had cliques, didn't go outside of their group. My school broke up into these groups. Outside of school we may talk like nothing has changed, yet in school we become quiet, strangers even.
Not only is my life changing like water, but is staying absolutely still like a rock.
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