Becoming Nervous

I don't think I want to do accounting anymore. I was nervous about the idea of the co-op work term which makes sense. I was worried since the summer was coming to a close and I have yet to even get an interview for a placement. But at the same time it was a relief. I want to do something more interesting. I feel that if I continue with accounting I will find myself unwilling to try and leave the profession. I get easily frustrated with the work and during the biggest accounting project I had to do last year I survived it and did well, but there were times i was ready to breakdown cause it wasn't working for me and finally had to give in and tell myself it is school work i can go through it and search for mistakes later and finally just gave up. I can't do that in real life and I think if I continue to try so I will just find myself stressing over the work as it becomes more realistic as the project I had to do.

Now I'm looking into another program but outside of applied bachelors there is only one bachelor program in Canada and I won't be able to get into it, the other one I was looking at is an American school, Japanese campus, but basically unaffordable and will make me have to work hard so that I can go there since I would be living in a foreign country only able to come home during the summer break, not having much of a knowledge of the language, knowing no one there, and having to find a place to live in really scares me, but because I have such an interest in the country I feel like I would love it there. The going out on my own like that would help me grow up.

The questions is, at the end of the day, is it really worth it? and right now I don't know the answer.

The Road Ahead

I'm about to start my second year as a university student and already debating if accounting is what I want to spend the rest of my life with. I keep telling myself it's a stable and secure job, that I shouldn't worry about it and just go ahead. But should I really do it if I can't put my heart in to it? My friend even told me that although I'm good at it, and I don't mind it, she can't see me putting my heart into it. Even my mother said she wouldn't be surprised if I changed my degree to something else.

The problem is, what do I want to spend my life doing? Will I regret not chasing after my dreams?

Maybe discussing these things with my friend after 4am (maybe it was 3am...) and she is falling asleep isn't the brightest idea. But it's one of those things I worry about and just can't get out. The hardest part is knowing that my heart isn't in it, and that I could survive doing the work, I don't know if I would feel content doing it. My mind keeps telling me to be sensible, to stay where I am, but I don't even know if I will succeed. I'm currently in a position where if I can get a co-op it will become part of my school learning. If not I technically change programs and switch down (not like it's worse I just lose the chance at a real life experience) and it's not like it would change the classes I'm taking. It means I would be done earlier, and that's it. I would walk across the stage a receive my diploma one year earlier then I've planned to currently.

I mean it's not like I see myself following what has been suggested might be good paths for me (child care, chef (pastry to be exact), teacher) but something my interest and heart would be put into. So I won't be doing work because it can be mindless and easy to me.

To be a published author is a dream of mine. And I'm working towards that dream, even if I'm working a little slowly (I've been working on the same story for a while, but it is making the most progress of my stories so far...) really just to be published and know that there are people out in the world reading a story that I wrote... it's something I don't think I could ever fully explain.

Media is the other thing. I'm interested in the differences in the way music gets promoted here and in other places such as South Korea and Japan. I'd admire the time and effort idols there put into doing what they love. To be able to work to help them promote themselves and maybe help them show the American/Canadian markets what their level of dedication is would be amazing.

I think part of the problem is that I'm afraid to jump in head first and try to go for something I love instead of something practical. Would I be able to survive doing so? Would I be able to actually go overseas and work where I really want to. Can I really follow my ambitions and succeed? The more I think about all the unanswered questions the more worried I get. And I hate the feeling of being worried so I sink back into what I know what I can do and work in, even if it isn't everything to me. I know I need to discuss this with my mother someday but for as understanding as she would be, she may think I'm trying to reach a little far out without giving a little sensibility to my thoughts.

Really in the end it all comes back down to what do I want to do? The problem is though number of thoughts and other questions that go into answering just that one...

If you made it through my mess of thoughts that are most likely not in order please leave a comment. Other points of views are always appreciated.

Just over three years

I started this blog just over 3 years ago. I'm starting to wish I was updating more lately and feel badly that I don't. I hope to start blogging more once again. Sometimes the eastiest way to think things myself is to try and write them out. And right now I really need to write them out. I love being able to go to my friends for advice, but I reached a point where I need an outside point of view. One that doesn't include my family or friends (and I've already debated in my mind trying to talk to one teacher I think I can easily talk to and trust to give me an honest opinion even if I'm only someone he doesn't really know and only taught me once as an actual teacher [and not student teacher] and to my friends reading this you probably know who I'm talking about) That's why I've decided to write my next post, cause I can't think of anywhere else to turn. Expect here to my trusty blog where there is no bias based on who I fully am... where I can think things over as I state them, and then spell check cause for some reason whenever I'm on blogger I have a tendancy to accidently hit and start typing in another sentence...

For All KAT-TUN Fans

These are up coming projects to show KAT-TUN and Jin that we support them. Keep checking back to the link for the post on KAT-TUNworldwide for more updates on new projects. Link

Please check at Fan of the Music and the Drama for more updates, since the post on that blog will be updated more often.

Looking For Work

Finding a job in my city is a horrible task, and since I don't have my diver's licence I can't look any further than where I can go by bus. I have a few places I want to apply to right now. I have a friend who wants me to go with her to Tim Hortons (where my other friend works) tomorrow but I'm looking at that as the last place to apply, looking at handing in a application with my resume at a video place tomorrow and a couple clothing places later this week. Maybe the clothing places first, then the video place, cause the clothing places would be good since they have discounts and I need to start buying work clothing for later this year... Still wondering on how to say I don't want to go to my friend without saying it outright... I normally avoid these things so that there is no weirdness or anything, even one of my friends realized that I keep myself out of friends personal business so I don't know how working with friends would go...

Slightly Better

I've just managed to get past the part that I had to keep rewriting and I clearly made sure to save it this time. Plus the one file that I could find on this laptop was saved to my e-mail so when I reach the end the part where I can need it, I will be able to just attach it and don't have to worry about rewriting it. :)

Losing Files

Since one of my classes was cancelled today my 2 hour break turned into a 3.5 hour break. So I decided I would work on my writing. Just a couple days ago I realized two of the files I had loaded off my email seemed to be to short. I could tell there was something missing. So I asked my friend to send me what she had. I was right. I was missing about 22 or so pages off the files I had. Again today I wanted to open one file and its not on this computer again. I'm hoping that I had typed on my old one because then all I need to do is switch the computers its on, but if it's not I will have to rewrite it and I don't think it will end up as good as the first time, because I had the thoughts and feelings in me at the time, which I can't recreate the same way again. The part that I'm working on now I have also lost a couple times. The only problem is I'm only losing part of the file and it always seems to be the same part, and if I'm not mistaken I've rewritten and have lost it three times already. Normally I love writing but having to constantly rewrite the same part over and over again it does get annoying, especially when it isn't your favourite part to be writing over and over. Maybe a Christmas when I was still in the Christmas mood, but not in February when you know your rewriting it, because it doesn't want to stay one your computer.